DANNY BEVINS The American Smartass.com Standup Comedy

DANNY'S VIDEOS COFFEE with a SMARTASS THE BEVINS BIO BOOKING GALLERY MEDIA CENTER

Come out and see Danny's live show here!

July 19-25
Atlantic City, NJ
Comedy Stop

July 29-Aug 01
Fairfield, CA
Pepperbellys

August 5-11
Edinburgh
The Tron
Scotland in August!
(Hey...you can fly!)

BoiledPeanuts
our new podcast
News, comedy, absurdity.
#10 I’m not gonna lie to you people. We talk about Glenn Beck in this episode. Not the whole show, but a good ten or fiteen minutes. Steve finds the man fascinating, Danny not so much. We also get into Danny’s upcoming trip to Scotland, where he will be doing a week of shows at the famed Edinburgh Comedy Festival. This is a “commuter” episode, best listened while on your way to or from work.

Hired Gun
June 11 2010

The guy standing in front of me is drunk, he has to be. I mean he’s not stumbling or mumbling but he’s holding a beer, he wants to buy me a shot and he’s just asked me to play his wedding reception, which he informed me is Saturday during the early evening and that would give me plenty of time to make it back to do my shows that night. It’s Friday night after the late show and I’m hawking CD’s next to the bar. His buddy bought him the CD and now he’s sure (at 1am) that my act is exactly what would make his wedding special.

Of course his wife is not here to confirm this horrible idea but this is just a formality in his alcohol soaked grey matter. What we really need to talk about is money. How much do I need to play his wedding? I inform him that I’ll need a thousand dollars and I want the first dance with the bride to the song ‘Stroke Me’ by Billy Squirer. My response hangs in the air for a few beats before they all start laughing. Good, that means they’re not too drunk to reason with. I’m not playing his wedding, but believe me he ain’t the first to ask and this isn’t the weirdest request I’ve gotten nor is it even the craziest I’ve accepted.

I once did a Rotary meeting at 7am after the Pledge of Allegiance. No joke! I didn’t have much experience at this sort of thing. I was hung over and the room was filled with people who voluntarily show up to a structured engagement filled with ceremony and ridiculous headgear. These people don’t laugh at me in a club. How was this going to go behind a podium? As they stood up and placed their hand over their hearts and began to recite the thirty-one words, I realized how screwed up I was.

I started to deconstruct the Pledge. First, am I supposed to believe that you are allegiant because you said it and you looked like you really mean it? And maybe you do mean it now but what about when someone is about to hit you in the head with a giant wooden dildo? Also, where is this allegiance thing suppose to fit on my fidelity list? I know wife, family and God are supposed to be right up there at the top.

When I was in the military my unit was suppose to be the number one thing I wouldn’t let down and number two was the constitution. So what about that? Is my allegiance to the flag or the constitution? And what if I have to pick between my wife and the flag? My wife doesn’t seem like the kind who would “understand” the country over honey argument. I think she would consider me a traitor and move quickly to have tried and convicted me in her very own military tribunal. I’m pretty sure I will pick my wife and family before a quilt, paper or a land mass. To be honest I bet I’d give up anything to protect my balls. I tend to be a real chickenshit when it comes to my marble bag. I mean I want to believe that I would do anything for my loved ones but if somebody is stretching my scrot with one hand and wielding a meat tenderizer in the other I’m going to cave before well, you know.

Which brings me to the point of why do I have to say the Pledge more than once? That’s what drove me nuts as a kid. I mean we said this yesterday, I pledged, what happen during the evening that invalidated it? Did I pledge to another flag during my dream and was I having a nocturnal admission while doing it? Because that’s grounds for dismissal or at least it should be. But why continue to pledge every morning? How needy and paranoid is this flag? This is the crazy crap bouncing through the racquet ball court in my head right before my attempt at humor at 7am under the fluorescent judgment of those who enjoyed coffee in styrofoam, titles and Robert’s Rules of Order. Oh yeah, there was no pay, it was considered part of promoting the show, you know good exposure!

Have jokes will travel.

Scanners
Jan 27 2010

I don’t channel surf instead I am a tv guide scanner. I flip thru pages of the guide looking for a show that doesn’t exist and normally ending up on adult swim. Last night I found an old ‘Family Guy’ on at the same time as some show called ‘Frank The Entertainer’ on VH1.

Now VH1 is a dangerous place to loiter, you can pick up some very bad habits quickly. I’m already hooked on ‘Celebrity Rehab’ and ‘Tough Love’. ‘Celebrity Rehab is like ‘Intervention’ in that you should never watch it hung over or use it as a credit on your resume. As for ‘Tough Love’ all I can say is that I’m married and have been trying to figure women since day one on this earth.

Which brings us to ‘Frank The Entertainer’. This is a dating show and like all the other dating shows on VH1 it is staged, awkward and prosaic like over produced amateur porn. And you can tell they don’t think much of their audience because everything is repeated over and over making you wonder if the show has Alzheimer’s. It’s lowest common denominator homogeneous made for the masses turn your brains on vibrate kind of a show.

But so is weed and although I don’t live there I do visit from time to time. So I’m using ‘Frank’ as filler for commercials during ‘Family Guy’ (this is how it was done pre-DVR) flipping back and forth. The ‘Family Guy’ episode was the one where Peter gets struck by lightening and has to talk Death out of taking him. Great episode, Adam Carolla plays Death and it’s the whole back story of the Peter and Lois romance.

But here’s the thing about this episode, Death has a mother who is always nagging him and her voice is perfect for Death’s mother but I had just flipped from ‘Frank’ who also has a nagging mother on the show and I’ll be dammed if the two mother’s voices are not a perfect match. I mean it freaked me out how similar they are. So maybe I was wasting my life last night but I did figure out that ‘Frank’s mother is Death’s mother which means ‘Frank’ is Death. Yeah, don’t ask me if I was visiting

Danny

I Like, I Think, I Wish
Oct 18 2009

I like to dance with my wife at night on an empty bridge humming a Violent Femmes tune.
I like to get high with Bullets and talk baseball while listening to classic rock.

I like my cats, George and Simone. This is Simone.

If I had three wishes, I would wish for an end to fear, hunger and disease. I mean if someone else was listening. If no one else was listening well let's just say my third wish would be for three more wishes.

I think I should look at today as a gift that loses its value tomorrow. I believe competence is the indispensable component of integrity.

I wish I had sixteen million four hundred and fifty-two thousand three hundred and forty-six dollars and nineteen cents. And a backyard. I've lived in Los Angeles, New York City, Tampa and San Jose. But I can't wait to get back to Amsterdam. And Dublin. And Paris. And Baghdad. I like rollercoasters and concerts, after-partys and church picnics.

I used to jump out of planes in the Army and it scared the shit out of me. I made a movie with a friend of mine and maybe you'll see it one day. I can breakdance. And if I had to do it all over again I'd try to be more honest. See you at the show.

Danny

DANNY AT YOUTUBE
ALL YOUTUBE VIDEOS

Danny's site designed and maintained by:
Chelsea Webworks.com